xshadowpunkx

Current time 5:30 AM, still up and about, sitting with my hands pressed against the key board, I have steams of thoughts flowing through my mind. It seems that I, lately, can't put my mind to rest with all these feeling of dissatisfaction. I find myself asking "Is this it? Is this all I can do? Is there nothing I can look forward to?" The days seem so dull now, the constant repeat of the same boring schedule of this thing I call "My Life." I find my self stuck in this cycle of school and work. When will I escape this?

Regrets of knowing you is starting to haunt my mind. I'm too tired and sad that our friendship has venture so far apart. I've made promises to always be there, but now, it seems I can offer nothing more than simple apologies. You've disappointed me, all that I've done, the heart I've poured out seems to hold no value to you. I'm so very sorry for the words I'm going to say, but I doubt it matters to you anyway. This moment on will be the last time I give my time and friendship to a person who can't find 5 minutes in her life for me.

As the days goes by, I find my self living in regression. Withdrawing into myself, with no sense of direction. On that every night, five years ago I felt the beginning of the very same despair, and it seems that men are doomed to repeat the same mistakes as I am about to to make mine. I've already given all I can, my mind is tire, and my body aches. I have nothing left. When you ask me about those three words, if I meant it, with a simple nod and a soft smile, I gave you my answer.

Finally Summer has started and it feels no different then any other days, just sitting around and waiting for the event pendulum to swing. It feels like my entire life is built on a test of my patients. How long can I wait before I lose my patients and get off the chair and walk away. I'll just wait and see, and when I do get off I will not be turning back.

I've made my decision to stay with my dad, to help him. I'll take responsibility for everything hes incapable of doing. That's just what feels right, everyone has to grow up; I guess its my turn. No complaints, no regrets end of story.

So many people have come and gone through out the years, some have left a deep scar in my heart, others have given me pleasant memories of laughter and comfort, and some I've fallen In love with, but in the end only a few stayed. It's such a challenge of hold on to someone dear, all the time and energy you must give to them. No matter how much I try, how hard my grip, there are those that are just like a passing beautiful view on the car window, that can't be held. You may turn the car around and admire it for a while more, but eventually they all become nothing more than a pleasant memory. I've tried hard to keep her close, but it seems every time I take a step forward she takes 2 steps back, and when I'm about to turn around and go my separate way. she reach out her hand and takes a step forward. I'm tired of chasing, It's time I turn around and not look back and let her become another memory. Good bye girl, I will not be taking anymore steps toward you.

What a week it has been....I never felt so unproductive for a while now. I can't believe I've reverted back to my old habits, staying up late, and sleeping-in. I'm starting to feel like I'm pretty much going no where with my life, no goals. Really thinking about it, I've spent so much time worrying about the family, and taking care of people around me, I've pretty much shaped my life around them for the pass year. I hope I can finally find time for myself now.

Summer has started, finally, I'm quite amazed by the timeliness in which the season hit us; although I'm not looking forward to the heat. for the next six weeks, It's going to be rough, 3 classes of summer school and work. I have no regrets because I will get to spend time with the person I want to be with, a sacrifice worth the satisfaction. Right now though, I want to spend the rest of this week doing something fun, before the horrific summer session starts. I will be going to school from 10:00 AM to 5:30 PM and maybe go to work 6:00 PM to 10:30 PM from Monday through Thursday and going to work for the rest of the week. I guess in a way the new schedule will re-shape my habits. To be completely honest, I really want to quit my job, but I can't.

Lets just start with "why?" I want to quit. Mainly, I feel like I don't belong. Everyday I go to work I put on a mask, so that I can play the game like everyone else, always have to cover my ass from back stabbing bosses. Talking in ways I never imagine myself talking, changing my personality so that they won't think I'm weak, I'm really tired. My mom always warned me about the factor between the choice of benefits over friendship, these people will choice benefits over me in a heartbeat. Even though I'm so sick of all these "Real Life" bull shit, I have to keep going. I Hate to quit, giving up is not really part of my vocab.

Well I'll just end it here, for now, with this poem. Lately, I've been reading lots of love poems, some reason it calms me down. This poem is my favorite. I've written a few myself but too lazy to post them.

"A Special World"
by: Sheelagh Lennon

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.

Urges to write is over whelming me right now, there's things I want to talk about, yet I cant form them into comprehensible sentences.

Disappointment, according to the dictionary is depressed or discouraged by the failure of ones hopes or expectations, well that sounds about right. I'll use this word to describe someone I've known for ages. All this ranting about my dad which may cause you to think I'm talking about him, but believe it or not I'm not talking about him.

I know everyone is driving their own road of life, some may be rougher then others, but it all depends on how one endures and willingness to fight till the final destination. The roads might seem endless and you'll get tired of it, but there's no reason to stop the engine and cry. You just got to pick yourself up where you fell and absorb all that are thrown at you, learn from your mistakes and drive toward your destination. We've had this talk long ago ,when I first meet you, and you were happy before, but you've gone back to your old self once again. Anger, sadness, and depression is sucking you dry of strength, but I still believe that you've the strength to continue. Now come on pick yourself off the ground wash your face and get back on the road.

It's been two months already, and I'm ready to take the Navy aptitude test, but at the same time these feelings of uncertainty starts to ravage my thoughts. So many things I can't leave behind, families, and friends, four years is a very long time.

Just two months ago I was so a static about my decision, tests, results, and departure. My god I need a sign that points me to the right choice!

Problems in the family is getting worse each day, mainly the dad, and its giving me headaches. My mom had decided on moving away soon because she can't bare the fact of living under the same roof with this irresponsible man. I totally support her, at the same time, I can't help but feel sympathetic for my dad, even though, he brought it on himself. Irina said I'm too kind underneath, but I blame my weakness. Every time I picture the scene of the day when we pack our bags and leave, I can't rid the image of my dad's face pressed on the window of the car screening and begging for another chance. I don't know if I'll have the strength to ignore that plead. I really admire those people that can say "Fuck it, he deserved it!" if only I had it in me to say that.

Actually, there is an up side, Melissa finally graduated high school and will be heading for San Diego in September. Along with her she'll bring the heavy load of worries that I have for her, but at the same time I will not have to worry about her when this bomb ticks out of time.

At times I ask "Why does it have to be this way? The very man I've admire so much since childhood turned out to be the worse man I've ever seen." These couple months have been a living hell. The anticipation, guilt, and sympathy is ripping me to pieces, turning me into a pile of mess.

The anticipation is killing me, waiting on my mom's answer for when and where. I really hope is not somewhere far, I don't want to leave this place, bonds that I've build, and feelings invested, I can't let it all go.

The guilt I have in side is eating me a live, I don't know what I can do to help him. He never wants to talk about his problem. Every time I reach out with my hands, he'd slap it away. I don't know what else I can do.

Maybe the situation is not as bleak as I make it out, I sit here and pray that the pages behind these is a happy ending, but deep down I understand the situation. Not all story has happy ending, but at least they all have an ending, and that will be the pages I'm dieing to read, being stuck between all these details is a living hell.

Speech of silence

Can you hear the gentle words from my mouth?
No?
maybe your not listening hard enough.
try again, but this time use your heart too.
why still looking so confused?
These words are meant for you.
Come on listen, and let it fuse
together the warmth that I've given you.
Do you hear them now?
No?
Oh, sorry for being so slow.
I forgot to say "I Love You."

Lets begin, nineteen and a half years already, and still don't have a clue where I'm going, so many false dreams, missed opportunities, and dead ends. Sometimes I just reminiscent in the past on things I could and should have done to stop me from stepping into this narrow road of life. I always tell everyone not to live in the pass, amazing how the person that's giving advice can't ever take it for him selves, hypocrisy is such a meaningful word. I'm pretty sick of this game of life I'm playing, my game pieces are scattered over the game board, but none of them are close to the finish line. I so want to stop for a break, slow down, and recollect the pieces and start over. That's what I truly want.

In about 3 months, my sister is going to take her big step in to the college life and the whole experience that I so regrettably missed out. Although I envy her, she really deserved it, and this would be a great opportunity for me to start over. If you didn't know, I pretty much take care of my sister, My mom is always working to put a roof over our head and my dad for being the way he is became my biggest concern, so the responsibility fell on me.

I've been thinking about the Navy and seriously thought about it. But four years, there are people I can't leave behind, I fear we might grow apart. Especially her, we've gotten so close so fast, and no matter how frustrating her hot and cold personality gets me. The moment I see her smile, I completely forget about it. Because we are so close now, I can't find the courage to tell her my true feelings fearing she might run from me. I need to find something to cut this rope, so I can let my ship sail for the horizon. I need to find a bag to stuff all these fear, sadness, frustration, confusion and throw them all over broad to make the ship lighter for the new wind. That's what I truly want.

To those who actually read my Journal...I don't know how many of you, but if you're one of those well here's whats going on. Lately I've been going to the Navy recruit and talked to them about joining the Navy. I've already told my sister and my mom, they both think that is a good idea for me, cause I can pick up a skill for the future.So right now...all I really need is to get the doctor's okay for the physical test and I'll be enlisted into the Navy and will depart for training in 1 year depending when I get enlisted.I actually haven't said a single word to anyone beside 1 other person. So if you find out through reading this then alright now you know, but I don't plan on saying anything in person.

Thank you and good night.